Please Come Back Home
by Smrtypantz
Summary: Lovino's dad, Gilbert, is not only the best firefighter in town, but probably the best dad in the whole world! Nothing could ever take him away...right? AU Warnings: language and drinking
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** So this is a fic written for APH_minibang challenge on livejournal. I really tried to expand my abilities by writing characters I never have before. Romano is a very interesting character and I loved writing his interactions with the other characters in the story. I really haven't written fanfiction in a while, so I feel somewhat rusty, so I hope everything here is up to par! I know this isn't USUK, which is what I feel most comfortable with, but I was really trying to get out of my comfort zone this time!

**Warnings:** Language and drinking

Well, enough of the author's notes. Enjoy!

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**Please Come Back Home**

**Chapter 1**

I don't think things will ever really be back to normal. Not in this family. Not after all the crap that went on these past few years.

Still.

Maybe we'll get something close to normal…something close to happy, rather than all the fake happiness and fake normalcy that everyone's been putting up with for who knows how long.

I don't like talking about all this crap, damn it. It's too sappy for me. But Feli said I needed to let it out or vent or whatever, and I figured why the hell not write it down? And it's _not_ girly! I can't stress that enough.

Fuck. Lost my train of thought…

I better start with this: my name is Lovino Vargas and yeah, I'll be writing down my "feelings" and the events that pretty much led up to this point. I guess it'll be like a story. Whatever. It's not like anyone else is going to be reading this anyway…

* * *

My dad's name is Gilbert, and for as long as I can remember, he's been a firefighter. He said he loved the job because it was awesome to save people and walk away from flames dramatically without looking back or something stupid like that. He's never been the brightest guy around, but he was a pretty caring person who was ambitious and loved his family.

He and my mom, Elizaveta, were high school sweethearts who fell in love and got married and had children and all that crap. The children were Feliciano and I. Feli is my younger brother by a few years. He's…well, an idiot. But the kid's got heart. Feli's a bit gullible and naïve and stuff, and can be taken advantage of easily. If I were a braver older brother, I'd probably try to stop that if he'd let me…

And then there's me. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only sane person in this family. I'll admit that I get a _bit_ worked up at times, but I swear I do not have anger management issues. Everyone else is just entirely too happy.

My little brother was born when I was seven years old. My mom was exhausted and lying in the hospital bed, my new brother by her side in his own little incubator. Well, it looked like an incubator. I'm not really sure what those clear box-like things they put babies in are called. Why did babies need incubators, anyway? They weren't chicks or anything.

He was sleeping really quietly, all bundled up in blankets and muttering a soft sigh that sounded a lot like "ve~". I grumbled to myself. Now I'd have to share my parents with this little guy. What if he turned out really annoying? Frowning, I turned to my dad who was watching Feliciano with hands on his hips and pride in his eyes.

"That's my cute little boy!" he declared. I tugged on his shirt angrily, trying to see if I could rip the fabric. I felt his hand rub the top of my head. "Heh, don't worry kiddo, you're my little boy too," he said, but I still didn't believe him. This new kid was going to steal all my thunder. I continued to pull on the hem of his shirt.

"Lovino, quit mangling your father's shirt, he'll never be able to iron it himself, and God knows I'm not doing it like this…" my mom said gesturing to herself and dropping her head against the pillow tiredly. Apparently it took her hours to get this kid out…I didn't really understand how that worked. How the hell did the stork get the baby out of the mom, anyway? I thought they were supposed to fly to moms and give them the kid…or maybe the stork was the one who put the baby _inside_ the mommy! What the hell? Why would a bird want to do that?

"It's fine, Liz, let the kid do what he wants," my dad said chuckling to himself. "He's probably just upset that he's going to have to share everything with his new brother, is all."

"What?" I practically screamed. "I'm not sharing anything with that thing!" I looked over at my little brother and saw a snot bubble coming out of his nose. My eye twitched at the sight.

"Awesome, nose bubble!" my dad exclaimed in delight. "This kid is going to grow up and be just as awesome as me!" I tugged at my dad's shirt harder. Damn it, why didn't he pay attention to me?

Mom just rolled her eyes. "Feliciano is the only one allowed to make nose bubbles for now. Not you, Gilbert." Dad gave a chuckle and put his hands in his pockets.

I huffed. No one was paying attention to me. Everyone was concentrating on that little squirt in the baby incubator. I began walking around the room, touching all the furniture that interested me. There were buttons on the bedside, but I wasn't about to fool around with those. One of them might've been a self-destruct button and I still wasn't the best at reading in class.

"Lovino," my mom said, "why don't you lay down with mommy on the bed?" She patted the spot next to her. With an angry pout, I lifted myself and plopped down next to her. She wrapped her arm around me and gave me a smile. "Don't you worry, Lovino. Both mommy and daddy love you and your new brother equally, ok?" She gave me a kiss on the cheek, but I crossed my arms and grumbled.

"Ok…" I said unwillingly. She had better keep that promise of hers!

Suddenly, my dad's watch started ringing. "Crap…" he said and looked to my mom. She gave a soft smile of understanding. Dad walked over to the bed and kissed us both. He then walked over to Feliciano and gave him a soft kiss on the forehead. "Catch you guys later!" he said, walking out of the room.

My mom sighed. I just shuffled closer to her as she began to play with my hair. She wasn't really paying attention, I could tell. But that's how it was when your dad was a fireman. He had to be at the station during his shift, no matter what, especially since the fire station was low on members lately. Even the volunteer fire department wasn't enough.

Dad loved his job, everyone could tell, but sometimes it really interfered with family life. There were days when he just wasn't home when he was supposed to be. There were days when he wouldn't come home at all and mom would be worried sick, watching the phone and waiting for it to ring as if her life depended on it. It would be such a relief when he would finally call to say he was ok.

I could tell dad was feeling pretty awful that he had to leave so soon. He wanted to spend more time with his family and its newest addition. Feliciano was still sleeping peacefully, the nose bubble rising and falling with his breaths. It was gross. It would have been cool if it wasn't for the fact that this baby dribble was going to get all over my stuff later. Especially since his crib was moved into my room.

Now that there was another kid in the family, things would be tougher. Mom would have more on her hands with two kids and dad would probably have to take on a few more shifts just to make enough money to support us. But it's not like we weren't a happy family. Just kind of stressed sometimes. But our family was pretty strong, and this was nothing we couldn't handle. Besides, my parents were pretty excited about Feliciano, so things probably wouldn't be _that_ bad.

* * *

We all went home as a new family a few days later. In the car I had asked my parents when we were returning Feliciano, and they just laughed. Dumbasses. It's a bad word, but if the kids in my class were able to say it, then so could I!

Things had started out a bit rocky the first few weeks. Dad had to move around his shifts at the station so he'd get time to spend with us and time to earn a living. Some shifts meant he was gone all day, and others meant he was gone all night. It varied during the week. But he was still as enthusiastic as ever.

There was a big party thrown by my parents inviting all of our relatives and family friends. Everyone wanted to come see the baby. I just stayed in my room, away from everyone else down the hall that was all fawning over cute, little Feliciano. Not only did he make snot bubbles, but he also pooped, cried, and dribbled everywhere. It was a new adjustment, and one I was _not_ getting used to.

The buzz of the crowd down the hall was starting to get louder and louder. I pouted angrily to myself and began smashing my action figures into each other. The clacking of plastic against plastic was starting to make me feel better. I was pretty upset, and for good reasons too! Everyone was so excited about this new baby. I don't remember anyone celebrating _me_ like that! Didn't anyone even care that I was in my room? Not that I wanted someone to walk in or anything! Yeah, I wanted to be left alone. It was much better than being in that crowd of relatives and stuff, acting all happy when they were probably only here because they were bored with nothing to do.

I began hitting my action figures together more forcefully when I heard the creak of a door. Turning my head, I saw my dad walk in with a smile on his face.

"Lovino! C'mon, join the party!" he shouted over the noise of the crowd. I crossed my arms and gave a "hmph". My dad's smile fell for a second before it was back again at full force. "Your mom's going to make her famous chocolate chip brownies later. Don't you want some of that? You only get some if you come have dinner with us!"

"No," I stated, making my point clear. I fisted the action figures in my hands tighter.

My dad strode over to my bed and sat down next to me. I didn't look at him as I felt the dip in the mattress. He was probably mad at me because I wasn't happy about having a new baby brother like he wanted me to be. Well, too bad, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of being happy when I obviously wasn't. While wishing he would just go away, I heard my dad give a small sigh.

"Look kiddo…" he began, nudging my face towards him with the back of his fingers. I turned around reluctantly and met his eyes.

"What?" I mumbled, trying to give him an angry glare. He still smiled at me in that confident way of his.

"You know…" he began, leaning down, his voice lowering to a whisper as if he was going to spill a big secret, "your mom didn't want me to tell you this, but she's actually really sad." At this I furrowed my eyebrows, confused. I looked to my dad for an explanation.

"What do you mean she's sad? She has Feliciano to make her happy, doesn't she?" I asked sarcastically.

"Feliciano _does_ make her happy, but she's still really sad because she misses you," he said, putting his arm around me. My eyes widened a bit before I had replaced my expression with its signature frown.

"Just because I'm not there doesn't mean she has to be sad…" I mumbled, looking away and crossing my arms, my action figure long forgotten. My dad just laughed.

"Well you know, kiddo, nothing makes mom happier than when the whole family is together," he said giving a warm smile as he looked down at me. Ruffling up my hair, my dad stood and walked towards the door. At the entranceway, he turned around and asked, "Well, are you coming or not?" I looked into my dad's smile, listened to the hum of the crowd outside, and slowly came down from my bed and followed my dad out the door.

If I had thought the crowd was loud before, nothing compared to being in the middle of a bunch of coddling, overly excited relatives who wanted to do nothing more except kiss me with hairy lips, both my uncles _and_ aunts. My grandparents were there too, and then it was my turn to give them each a kiss which sucked because their skin was so wrinkly and they all smelled like fish.

My dad was nowhere to be seen now, so I walked over to my mom to see if she had actually been sad like my dad had claimed. She turned around as I tugged on the hem of her skirt. "Lovi!" she squealed, picking me up and peppering me with kisses. I struggled in her arms.

"Mom, stop it! Stop it!" I shouted, trying to wriggle free from her clutches. She just laughed and smiled down at me.

"Oh, Lovino, I'm so happy you decided to join us!" she exclaimed, putting me down and beginning to get plates out from the cabinet. She put them in my hands, which meant I had to help set the table. Grumbling, but not as upset as I was before, I began to throw the plates on the dining room table. They weren't really landing in the right places, but at least I was helping!

"Lovi!" my mom shouted, exasperated. "Put the plates on the table properly!"

"I am!" I shouted back, throwing another plate onto the table. My mom shook her head and sighed, but gave a soft smile. Taking the plates from my hands, she said, "Thank you, Lovi. Why don't you go play with your little brother while I set the table, hm?"

"Aww, do I have to?" I asked. I would have rather kissed grandma and grandpa again.

"Yes, you do," she said, giving me a kiss on the forehead as she went ahead and began to rearrange the plates I had already put down on the table.

Grumbling, I wandered through the jumble of people to see if I could spot my baby brother anywhere. He was most likely in the middle of a small crowd, and before I knew it, I had spotted a bunch of my relatives huddled around a single person. Bingo.

I pushed my way through their legs and saw that Feliciano was being held by Roderich, who my mom used to date before she met my dad. He was considered a family friend but dad didn't like him too much, and since my dad didn't like him, I didn't like him. I glared up at Roderich as he stood and held Feliciano, looking at my baby brother with a curious expression on his face. He gave the slightest of smiles and put his finger close to Feliciano's hand, whose tiny fingers instantly wrapped around Roderich's much larger one. It would've looked pretty cute if it wasn't for the fact that it was Roderich holding Feli and not someone else.

Before I could say anything, my dad popped through the back door, tongs in hand shouting, "Ribs are done! Now who wants some?" I could smell the smoky aroma of the barbeque and felt how it wafted into the house when my dad had opened the back door. It was familiar. My dad loved to barbeque during every special occasion, even days like Halloween and Christmas when he would literally bring the barbeque inside the house. Everyone else's senses became excited by the smells of freshly grilled meat and they immediately left for the backyard, mouths watering.

Roderich was still holding Feliciano as he walked towards the backyard. "Mr. Edelstein!" I shouted, trying to get his attention. I wasn't about to let this guy walk around with _my_ little brother. He turned around expecting to see someone who was probably as tall as he was, but he spotted no one. I tugged on his pant leg and he looked down, finally realizing I was there.

"Oh, Lovino! I didn't see you," he stated calmly. This guy was always acting so proper and it really annoyed me. He bent down so that he was eye level with me. "Did you need something?" he asked with a small smile. As if he could win me over with _smiles_.

"Mom said I'm supposed to play with my little brother," I said, holding out my arms waiting for him to hand over Feliciano. He gave a slight chuckle in response.

"Lovino, I don't think you're old enough to hold your baby brother…"

"What?" I shouted affronted by what he had said. "I'm plenty old enough! _I'm_ his big brother and responsible for him!" Who did this guy think he was? I had way more authority than he did when it came to my baby brother. Before our conversation could continue, however, my mom walked into the room.

"Guys, c'mon, Gilbert grilled up some ribs," she said with a smile, wiping her hands on a small dish towel. Roderich stood up, Feliciano still in his hands, and gave my mom a smile.

"I was just having a delightful conversation with Lovino," he said. I didn't like the way he looked at my mom when he said this. It gave me an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I immediately ran to my mom and pointed at Roderich accusingly.

"He wouldn't give me my baby brother!" I yelled, disgruntled because it had been _my_ responsibility to play with Feli, not _his_. My mom looked down at me and rolled her eyes, but there was amusement hidden in her expression.

"Now, now, Lovi, you can play with your little brother later. But thank you for wanting to take care of him. It's time I fed him anyway…" she said while walking over to Roderich and taking Feliciano out of his hands. "Thank you for watching him, Roderich," she whispered with a soft smile. He nodded curtly and left for the backyard. I glared at his back as he walked past us and grabbed onto my mom's hand. I still really didn't like this guy…

My mom squeezed my hand and we went out into our backyard, the scent of barbecued ribs and hotdogs heavy in the air. I breathed in deeply and licked my lips a bit. I hadn't realized I was so hungry. I sat down next to my mom as she began to breastfeed Feliciano. She was lucky the kid didn't have a snot bubble or anything or that would be just plain awkward.

My dad strode over and put a hotdog on my plate. He even gave me the ketchup bottle. "Here you are, kiddo," he said, sitting down next to me once he was done setting my food up. Hotdogs only tasted good when my dad made them, and so I eagerly took a bite after I put a nice glob of ketchup on it. It had been grilled to perfection. The steam from the hotdog wafted in my nose and I continued to chew, savoring its smoky flavor. While I continued to eat, my dad poured me a cup of cherry Kool-aid.

Everyone seemed to be content at the small table outside, eating barbecued ribs and talking softly amongst themselves. I was now kind of glad I had decided not to stay in my room. My dad seemed happy, narrating stories from the fire department as people eagerly listened. My mom seemed happy too, cooing over Feliciano as he suckled. But before I could feel too out-of-place, my dad turned to me and asked, "Say, after dinner you want to go play some catch with your old man?" Hotdog still held between my two hands, I looked up to my dad and nodded. I was still chewing on my hotdog and couldn't really speak, but I did manage to give him a small smile. _Small_.

My dad looked like he thought he had just become king of the world when I did that, but I got a bit flustered for some reason, so I immediately put back my signature frown and continued eating. It seemed as if my dad didn't care. He tousled my hair a bit before turning back to everyone to continue telling his stories.

It seemed like everyone was really happy. I'll even admit that, ok, _I_ was happy. Everyone seemed so together in this small moment, and what my dad had said earlier today really sunk in…that mom was happy when the whole family was together. And I really believed him.

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**A/N:** I hope you all enjoyed! Critiques are loved :)


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Thank you so much for your lovely reviews!

**Warning: **This fic will contain angst, language, and _drinking_, so this is just a warning if that's not your cup of tea :)

Other than that, please enjoy!**

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**

**Chapter 2**

"Hey mom, where's dad?"

"Daddy's at work, sweetie."

"When is dad coming home?"

"I don't know, Lovino."

I found myself having this conversation with my mom more frequently nowadays. Feliciano was a bigger financial burden than originally expected. The school year had started up as well, so my parents needed money for my new clothes and school supplies. I wasn't mature enough at the time to realize just how rough this year was on my parents. Whenever I came home, I came home to smiles, to praise of my good school work, to a nice home cooked meal, and sometimes to my dad who only wanted to go play catch outside or cuddle little Feliciano in his arms. I tried to ignore the troubled looks my mom would give to my dad over the dinner table, to my parents' whispers at night as they leaned over bills spread over the countertop…

I wasn't ignorant about the situation. I just chose to be. What was money to a little kid? What did I know of bills, of how much the mortgage was or how much food cost? All I knew was that I wanted toys on Christmas, my favorite brand cereal for breakfast, and to go on a school trip with the rest of my class. Money got me what I wanted, and since I hadn't been denied anything as of yet, money didn't seem like such an issue. I _knew_ it was an issue, but it just didn't seem like it to me…

Sometimes I would sit beside my door late at night when I wasn't able to fall asleep. I would listen to my parents. My mom would sound worried, my dad would hush her and tell her he'd just pick up another shift, that was all, it wouldn't be so bad. Mom would protest, saying she didn't _want_ him to pick up another shift, that she could go get a job herself…but then who would take care of us? I didn't like listening to these things. I didn't want to hear that both my mom and dad wouldn't be there to say hi to me when I arrived home from school. I didn't want to hear the worry evident in their voices. A little kid shouldn't have to worry about adult issues. A little kid should worry about his toys, his cereal, and his school. That was all.

But still…I couldn't stop listening. My parents would sometimes talk for hours and hours. Most of the time, I actually couldn't make out what they were saying, but it didn't matter. It was the tone in which things were said that drove the point across. Listening to their whispers almost made me feel like a voyeur, like I was a witness to something I wasn't supposed to know about, and yet couldn't stop because I almost _liked_ hearing their voices… I felt guilty for intruding upon something that wasn't meant for my ears, but at the same time, hearing their voices was calming in a way…like a lullaby to lull me to sleep. Just the sound of their voices, even laced with anxiety, was comforting because, at the time, I felt like my parents could handle anything. Even though they were concerned now, in the morning they wouldn't be. They would be back to normal because they always made it seem like everything was under control.

The financial strain on my family started to take true effect during the middle of the year. My dad was never home often. He took shifts for everyday of the week. Sometimes, if my dad knew he wasn't going to see us all day, he would call. I looked forward to those phone calls, although I'd never admit it out loud.

* * *

_RIIIING_

"I got it, I got it!" I shouted as I ran down the hallway into the living room where the phone was.

"Ok Lovi…" my mom chuckled as she saw me sprint across her and grab the phone. She was washing dishes anyway, probably too busy to get the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, kiddo, how was school today?"

The sound of my dad's voice made me smile. I turned my back so my mom couldn't see the upward turn of my lips. I didn't want anyone to know that I was happy for some reason. I wanted to keep these moments to myself.

But as soon as I smiled, I had replaced it with a frown. School had been pretty stupid today, now that I thought about it. "School was stupid," I said, voicing what I really thought.

"Stupid? Why was it stupid?" my dad asked with amusement. I didn't think it was so funny!

"Because today we had a pop quiz and my teacher yelled at us because lots of us failed!" I shouted, frustrated over the situation. If she had wanted us to get good grades, why not tell us about the quiz first? How was I supposed to know who the first president was? I wasn't Albert Einstein!

"Pop quiz, eh? Sounds rough…"

"Mhm!" I said, nodding in agreement even though I knew he couldn't see me. Pressing the phone closer to my ear using both my hands, I asked, "Did you take down a fire today, daddy?"

My dad chuckled on the other end of the line. "Nope, not today! Maybe I'll take one down later and you can brag to all of your friends just how awesome your dad is!"

I stuck my tongue out, but the thought of bragging to my classmates did make me happy. Before I could respond to what my dad had said, I heard Feliciano crying in the background.

"Lovino!" my mom yelled from the kitchen. "Can you calm your brother down? I'm trying to do the dishes!"

I sighed. "Dad, I need to go. Your other son is crying again."

"He's also _your_ brother, kiddo."

I stuck my tongue out again and made a noise that sounded like "bleh". My dad laughed again, said "Alright, then put your mother on."

"Wait!" I said, something nagging my mind.

"What's that?"

"Are you going to be home tomorrow…after school?" I asked hesitantly. I usually only saw him during dinner or early in the morning. All I really wanted, however, was to maybe play some catch once I got off the school bus. Not that I _needed_ to play catch or anything! It was just so I could procrastinate on my homework. I mean, _anyone_ would rather play catch with their dad then do homework, right?

There was a slight hesitance on the other end of the line, but soon enough, my dad said, "Course I'll be there. And we can go play catch once you get home from school! Ok?"

I found myself smiling once again. Only my dad really had the ability to do that to me, no matter how much I tried to prevent it. I promptly handed the phone over to my mom. She placed the phone between her ear and shoulder, holding it in place while her hands preoccupied themselves with the dishes. "Hey, Gil, how was your day?" she asked with a soft smile. It looked as if she was in one of those "I love you Gilbert and I want to kiss you in front of Lovino even though it's icky" type of moods again, so I turned away and went back into my room to tend to a crying Feliciano.

As soon as I peered into his crib, I noticed what was wrong. He had dropped his pacifier. Grumbling to myself, I shoved the pacifier into the little squirt's mouth to get him to shut up. I probably could have been a little less rough, but Feliciano wore a content look on his face nonetheless. I stared at him as he suckled in some sort of childish fascination. Sometimes watching my baby brother made me wonder how I was when I was that tiny…

Feliciano's eyes were beginning to grow heavy. Well, if he took a nap now that would mean some peace and quiet for a few hours, which was fine by me. Maybe I'd actually do my homework early so that I'd have more free time when my dad came home tonight…

A few hours later, my dad _did_ come home. The rest of us had already finished dinner, but my mom heated the leftovers in the microwave for him. He looked really tired, but I tried bugging him anyway. It really felt like he was barely around anymore, and since I was done with both dinner _and_ my homework, I felt like I deserved his attention for at least a little bit.

As I poked him in the leg, my dad let out a sigh and then a soft smile. He picked me up and let me sit in his lap as he ate his dinner and started talking with my mom across the table. He still wasn't really paying attention to me, but it would have to do. I fiddled with the cuffs of his shirt, bounced in his lap, and everything I could think of to distract me from the utter boredom of "grown-up talk".

The rest of the day passed by quickly, and I soon found myself being tucked in by my dad. It was pretty late and I could hear crickets chirping outside my bedroom window. My dad gently kissed my forehead and said, "Goodnight, kiddo" before he got up and went to go leave the room.

Something didn't sit well in my stomach. I didn't want him to leave just yet. If he left, he would go back to mom and they'd be whispering into the night again, and even though their whispers would sometimes bring me peace, tonight it felt very…wrong. Like something bad was going to happen. It was as if those whispers were suddenly going to come true if he left my room…as if he wasn't just leaving my room, but that he was leaving forever and never coming back.

Before I knew it, I felt myself panicking at his retreating back. "Dad!" I shouted. I knew I should've been more careful with Feliciano sleeping just a few feet away from me, but I just didn't want my dad to leave. Not yet.

My dad turned around and put his finger to his lips, warning me to keep silent. Luckily, Feliciano was still fast asleep, but that didn't matter much to me at the moment. My dad walked back and I felt the impulse to hug him tightly, so he wouldn't go, _couldn't_ go, but I didn't.

I felt an onslaught of tears prickling the corners of my eyes. "Hey, hey…" my dad whispered, surprised as he tried to soothe me. He took his thumb and wiped away the tears before they had the chance to fall. "What's the matter? Don't cry, kiddo, there's nothing to cry about…" His eyes were wide and worried, probably because he didn't know how to handle the situation. Whenever I cried, it was because I had hurt myself or I had wanted something. These tears were alien to both me and him.

I sniffled a bit, just letting a small silence pass between us. "Are you really going to be here tomorrow after school?" I managed to croak out, trying to swallow down the small lump in my throat.

"Is that what this is about?" my dad asked, a small smile appearing on his face. "I already told you, of course I'll be here tomorrow, ok?"

"Promise?" I asked, still unsure if he was telling the truth. My dad gave a small chuckle and ruffled my hair.

"I promise."

I smiled, and this time I let him see my smile. It was a smile of relief, of happiness, and of comfort. He gave me a hug and a small kiss to the forehead before, once again, retreating out of the room. This time, however, I wasn't nervous about him leaving my room. I just had a sense that…he really loved me…and that he'd never let anything bad happen to me, to his family.

I had no idea at the time, however, that my earlier apprehension was actually foreshadowing what was to come the next day…something that would affect the next few years of my life.

* * *

"I'm home!" I shouted as I kicked the door open, quickly glancing at the couch to see if, perhaps, my dad was there. I frowned a little when there was no one occupying the living room. I just saw my mom in the kitchen with little Feliciano in her arms. He had a snot bubble again.

Putting aside my disgust, I went up to my mom and tugged at her skirt.

"Hey mom, where's dad?"

"Daddy's at work, sweetie."

"When is dad coming home?"

This time my mom sighed before replying. "I don't know, Lovino."

I became really angry all of a sudden. This conversation with my mom was becoming too mundane. Why was my dad _always_ at work? Didn't he promise me he would be here after I came out from school?

Trying to mask my disappointment, I grumbled on the way to my room and threw my book bag on the floor. I climbed onto my bed and wrapped my arms around my knees, huffing over the fact that my dad had lied to me.

That, however, didn't stop me from jerking at every small noise that sounded like a door opening. I knew I was just getting my hopes up, but something inside told me that my dad couldn't have lied the other day, that he had truly, honestly promised he would be here…

I hated feeling sorry for myself and decided to channel my anger and disappointment through violence. I picked up my action figures and began beating them against each other.

By the time dinner ended, my dad still wasn't home. I was more down that I had been in a while, and I think my mom was upset too. She kept drumming her fingers on the table all throughout dinner and kept glancing towards the phone. I, on the other hand, decided to ignore the phone. I wouldn't care at all if it rang. Not one bit. It wasn't as if I was sneaking peaks at the phone all throughout dinner and as I watched TV and as I did my homework or anything like that…

I was obviously just angry at my dad. It's not like I _missed_ him being around. My mom was the one who missed him, not me. I was just annoyed that he lied.

I continued watching TV in my pajamas for a while. My mom never got up from her seat at the kitchen table. She had one hand drumming fingers along the table's surface and the other in a slight fist with her chin resting on it. Feliciano was crying in his little play pen, but it was almost as if my mom couldn't hear him. I kept looking to her so she would calm her son down already, but she seemed intent on staying put and staring at the phone.

I turned the volume up to see if I could drown out the kid's whining, but when it grew to be too much I threw the remote to the ground and stomped over to Feliciano. "What?" I yelled in frustration. He was giving me the worst headache _ever_ with all his racket.

Feliciano looked a little stunned for a few seconds before bursting out into even bigger sobs. I groaned and clamped my hands onto my ears. This was _not_ the way I wanted to spend today. "Will you just shut up, you stupid annoying little-"

"Lovino!" my mom screamed at me. Now it was time for me to be shocked. I had never heard her so angry before. "Leave Feliciano alone, he's just a baby!"

Mom looked furious. I swallowed a little lump in my throat before I resigned myself to sitting back on the couch to watch more TV. I couldn't really pay attention this time, however. I felt like I was listening more to my mom and Feliciano than I was to the cartoon on screen.

Feliciano was still crying as loudly as ever. My mom's hands had flown to her forehead, which she was rubbing in frustration. Even a kid as little as I was could sense the tension in the air. I kept quiet, certain that I could stay invisible and go unnoticed.

The tension in the air continued to grow for about another hour. It was already 10:30 at night. I usually never stayed up past ten and was surprised that my mom hadn't said anything yet. She seemed really worried and upset now. From the way this day had been going, I had the lingering suspicion that dad really _was_ supposed to have been home earlier. I frowned and pursed my lips a bit. Was he really still at work? I had the urge to ask my mom, but looking at her expression, I deemed it as a bad idea that would only make her yell at me some more.

Turning off the TV and passing by my now-sleeping baby brother, I quietly walked to my bedroom. I quickly had myself under the covers and tried to close my eyes and fall asleep. The house was much too quiet now, unlike earlier. The funny thing was that it was the silence that seemed louder. I found myself squirming under the sheets, unable to find a comfortable spot. I flipped my pillow multiple times, but each time I laid my head against its surface, it felt much too hot. My entire room felt stuffy and suffocating, the entire _house_ even.

Frustrated, I disentangled myself from the sheets and leaned against the wall next to the door of my bedroom, resuming my usual pastime of listening to what was going on outside. I could barely hear anything. Feliciano was probably still asleep, and it looked as if my mom wasn't moving from her spot.

A few minutes later, however, I heard the slight shuffle of feet and the TV being turned on. I listened carefully, only catching glimpses of what was being said.

"Huge fire downtown… a few casualties… those injured currently being taken to the local hospital…"

As I listened to the TV, I could swear I heard my mom whisper, "Oh, Gilbert…" to herself as she watched.

I didn't want to know what was going on. If there was a fire, then my dad could put it out. He couldn't be _hurt_ or anything. He was the greatest fireman in that station, probably the whole world! He was most likely at the fire rescuing everybody like the great fireman he was.

But still…there was that lingering suspicion in the back of my mind that maybe he _was_ hurt. I didn't want to believe that, though.

I felt myself dozing off as I continued to sit against the wall. I wasn't sure how long it'd been, but all I knew was that I had never stayed up this late in my entire life. The room, which had been hot and suffocating before, was starting to feel chilly. I wrapped my arms around myself and tried not to doze until I knew dad was home and that he was ok. Feliciano was still sleeping in the play pen…mom was too distracted to even put him in his crib, it seemed.

As my head began to bob up and down, I heard the click of a lock.

It was the same sound the keys made when someone was opening the door.

Was it dad?

Wide awake now, I peered through a crack in the doorway to see if he was really home. I saw my mom rush up to the door, whispering, "Gil? Gilbert, is that you?"

The next thing I saw was my dad's figure, his shoulders slouched and his head bent forward.

My mom seemed frantic. "Gil? Gilbert, are you alright?" She had her hands on his shoulders and tried to look him in the face. She seemed so worried and ushered him to sit down on the couch.

Dad slowly sank into the cushions. My mom turned off the TV while my dad just sat there with his head in his hands. I thought once I saw my dad I would be relieved, but by the way he was acting…it wasn't like my dad. It wasn't like my dad at all, and I was beginning to grow scared.

My mom sat down next to my dad and placed her hands on one shoulder in comfort. "Gilbert…?"

"Liz…" my dad croaked out, his voice sounding hoarse.

"Gil? Gil, what's wrong?" my mom asked worriedly. I could hear her voice begin to crack.

My dad just slowly looked up at my mom, and the next thing I knew, I witnessed something no one had ever seen before, not even my own mother.

My dad was crying.

There were slow, silent tears going down his face and I saw his shoulders begin to shake. My mind couldn't process this at all. My dad had never, _ever_ cried before. He wasn't supposed to cry! He was supposed to be strong and excited and happy all the time! Not…not _this_.

I was very scared now. What could have possibly happened to bring my own dad to tears? What scary monster or horrible nightmare could make him cry? The image of what could have happened frightened me, and for a second I considered shutting my door and trapping myself under the covers to make sure I heard nothing.

But before I knew it, my dad had started talking.

"The fire, downtown…" he muttered. "It started early this morning…it wouldn't let up for _hours_…" My mom's eyes were wide as she heard him. He sounded so weak at the moment. She tried speaking to him.

"Are you ok? Did anyone get hurt, or-"

"Oh God…" my dad said, his sobs getting louder now. He clamped one hand over his mouth as if he could stifle the sound of his crying. I was petrified, unable to move away, unable to stop staring at my dad, completely broken before me. I could tell my mom felt the same. She sat there wide-eyed and practically speechless.

"Gilbert," she said, her voice getting lower, "what happened?"

My dad took a few moments to calm his tears down. "There was a building…this mother; she runs up to me, she says, 'You have to go back in there! My daughter, my daughter's in there!'" My dad paused, another sob breaking through. "I ran back into the building…I heard her daughter, I heard the girl _screaming…_" My dad fisted a hand in his hair as he looked towards the floor. I could see a teardrop makes its way to the tip of his nose and fall.

My dad breathed in deeply and looked towards the ceiling. He said, "She was trapped in a closet…I tried to get her out, I tried _so hard_ but there was too much fire and God, her _screams…_" He cried into his hands for a few more seconds. He continued in just a whisper, "By the time I got to the door...by the time I knocked it down with my axe…it was too late…"

He broke down completely, sobbing loudly and into my mother's shoulder. She tried to relax him, rubbed his back and held onto him tightly. The horror story my dad had just told made me fearful of going towards him. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what was going to happen, or how to stop my dad from crying like this…I felt so lost.

These emotions were far too complicated for me to bear. All I knew was that my dad was upset, so I was upset. I was just about to run to the safety of my covers before I heard my dad begin to speak again.

"Liz…Liz, she was only _five-years old_!" he shouted, breaking away from my mother's shoulder. "She suffocated and burned to death _because of me_! Because I couldn't save her!" My dad looked broken at that moment. Completely and utterly broken.

My mom took his face into her hands and shook her head, whispering that it wasn't his fault, he did everything he could, he was only human…

But this did nothing to soothe my dad. In a very low voice, that I could barely hear, he whispered, "And I just thought to myself…what if that had been Lovino? Or Feliciano? Liz…I just…I can't think about it…" He fisted both hands into his hair and bent his body so that his face was near his knees. His body was shaking and he was sobbing uncontrollably now. The commotion had startled Feliciano, who was now awake and crying as well.

I was too scared by now. I couldn't witness anymore. I immediately ran to my bed and hid under the covers, shaking and feeling so cold it was unbelievable.

I was scared. I was upset. I was all these different things, all these different emotions…and I couldn't help but wonder…_what happens from here?_

**A/N:** Thanks for reading! Critiques are loved!


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Happy Halloween, everyone!

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Dad started drinking the next day.

The morning after the…incident, I didn't even get the smallest glimpse of my dad. I prepared my books and papers for school and was just about to walk out the door when I saw my mom by the kitchen table. She was just staring into her hands, not saying anything. My lunch was prepared and was resting by the door. I picked it up and looked towards my mom, waiting for her to say something.

I got a bit jumpy on my feet. I had woken up late because of staying up last night, but I could still catch the bus if I left now…but I at least expected a goodbye from her.

"Um…I'm off to school now," I said, hoping to coax out some form of attention, a smile or a kiss or a "have a nice day, sweetie!" But I got nothing. She just continued to sit there as if I was invisible. This really started to freak me out, so I slowly opened the door and walked outside.

When I came home that day, both my parents were at the table. My dad's eyes were red-rimmed and he looked really sick…and there was a bottle of beer right by his hand.

I really wanted to say something, but I just didn't know _what_. This person in front of me was a stranger, and I was scared. Instead of confronting my dad, I practically ran out of the room.

Later on, my mom walked into my room and sat down by me on the bed. She began to explain why dad was feeling upset in a soft voice. She left out a lot of details and was very vague about what had happened recently, making sure to leave out that he had failed to rescue that little girl in the building. I just nodded at her explanation and pretended that I understood the situation perfectly. But on the inside? I was still so confused and lost.

Days passed by in a similar fashion. I hardly saw my dad because, even though his co-workers at the station knew what he was going through, he still had to work his shifts. When I did see him, he was basically unresponsive. My mom was quiet, I was quiet, even little Feliciano had been quieter, and he was only a baby. I really started to hate how my family had changed in such little time…I felt like someone had to do something, to break the silence that was beginning to suffocate all of us.

But I was too afraid to do anything. I was so young, so the only thing I had in mind was to draw my dad a picture of our family. Such a dumb idea! I was good with crayons and everything, but what if that didn't work? It was such a sappy thing to do, and what would happen after I gave him the picture anyway? What if I ended up making things worse?

The rest of the week was hazy. I wasn't talking much, and it was killing me inside not to be able to. It was as if I wasn't even _there_. My mom was trying really hard to be doting and kind, pretending everything was normal, but it just wasn't the same…

I worked especially hard on my drawing during school. I felt stupid for actually going through with my plan… My teacher was really impressed at how much I concentrated on it, but I really hated it when she asked me to explain the picture. It was a pretty embarrassing drawing, damn it!

When I walked back into the house after school that day, dad was there sitting at the table again. Instead of running in the other direction this time, however, I walked up to him with a slight scowl on my face.

"Here," I said, shoving the picture in his face. He kind of blinked in surprise, as if he hadn't realized I was even there. He looked at the picture in front of him. I kind of turned my head away. I couldn't believe I actually drew a happy picture of our family…I told myself I'd make sure it'd never happen again.

"What've you got here, kiddo?" my dad said, taking the picture into his hand and staring at it.

"C-can't you tell?" I exclaimed. "It's us! I drew it in school today and thought you might like it…" I mumbled, shuffling my feet at how completely awkward this situation felt. I _knew_ this was a stupid idea…stupid, stupid, stupid!

Yet, as I was trying to think of a way to say, "Actually, I didn't draw it, Feliciano did! He must be a genius or something because there's no way _I_ would draw this!" my dad did something I hadn't seen in the past few days.

My dad smiled.

He gave a really small chuckle and his eyes got glassy. "C'mere, kiddo," he said, picking me up and ruffling up my hair.

"Dad! Ow, stop that! Put me down!" I shouted while struggling in his arms. It was a mix between a grab and a hug, but at least it meant my dad was happy. Still, I didn't like being touched too much.

"Thanks, kiddo," he said before putting me down and giving me a small kiss. I looked away with a frown and crossed my arms. My dad took the picture and held it in the air before him. "This is a masterpiece! And, as such, it deserves a special place to be hung up!" I looked towards him, seeing if he was going to put the picture on the fridge like I wanted him to, but instead, he put it inside the bag he took with him to work.

"Where are you hanging it up?" I tried to ask nonchalantly.

My dad smiled at me. "I'm hanging it up at the station for everyone to see just how awesome my son's art is!"

The urge to smile was really difficult to suppress, so instead I looked away and pretended as if I didn't care. Before I ran out of the room, however, I gave my dad a quick hug on the leg. I just hope he didn't see the smile that leaked out onto my face…

* * *

Things actually started to look up for a while. With dad back to his normal self, my mom was happier and Feliciano was louder. I hated that last part, but it was a small sacrifice compared to the benefits of having a family that was together again.

There were times when it seemed like dad's smile was fake, times when it seemed like he was tired but kept up his energy regardless. I figured this was how things were going to be from now on. This was normal. Therefore, I tended to ignore it.

The holidays came and went. Months passed by in the same manner. Dad stilled worked a lot, and sometimes all I had to look forward to were those phone calls. My mom made sure dad called every single day ever since…well, you know.

Dad did drink sometimes. It wasn't the bad type of drinking that's in those alcohol-awareness commercials. He drank to make himself more jovial. I think it worked for the most part. A kid in my class said beer makes you forget stuff, so I was ok with him having the occasional drink. He wanted to forget what happened. _I_ wanted to forget what happened. I think my entire family did.

But then…something changed.

I heard my parents' whispers at night again. They were back to worrying about income. Dad couldn't work anymore shifts without killing himself in the process. My parents were borrowing some money from my mom's parents and dad wasn't too happy about that.

"Liz, I don't see why we need to take _their_ money."

"We don't have a choice, Gilbert!"

"Do you realize what your parents must think of me? They probably think I'm a worthless husband because you have to go crawling to them asking for money!"

"You are _not_ worthless, and we're only borrowing the money until we can pay it back once you get that promotion you've been after!"

"And what if I don't get the promotion, Liz? Huh?"

"I don't _know_, Gilbert, I don't know! What do you want us to do? Go without food for a week? I'm sorry, but I am not putting up with that!"

"Then why don't you run to rich ol' Roderich? I'm sure he'd be _very_ willing to help out!"

"What does Roderich have to do with anything? Gilbert, just let me get a job, _please._"

"No! I'm the man of the house, I'm the provider!"

"I can provide too! Your job just doesn't pay enough!"

The sounds of their voices usually just melded together after a while. They seemed worried and angry nowadays. However, like before, when I woke up in the morning, everything was all better. My parents wore smiles, albeit a bit strained, and they would pretend everything was ok.

A year passed by in a similar manner. Feliciano was about one and half and starting to stand up on his own. He still fell to the floor like an idiot sometimes, but hey, he was getting smarter. Somewhat. My parents, despite being stressed out lately, were really happy with my baby brother. My dad kept videotaping Feliciano doing stupid thinks, like sitting, standing, saying his first word (which was "pasta", by the way)…

It got annoying after a while. Sometimes I would place myself right next to Feliciano and copy what he did, just to see if I would get videotaped as well. It didn't really work, though. My parents weren't exactly impressed when all I did was sit there and not flop over on the couch. The thing I hated the most about Feliciano growing up, however, was having to take baths with the kid.

It's too traumatizing to think about. And it just figures that it was the bath that they decided to videotape. My parents got on my nerves when they did that. I almost wanted to ask my dad for my drawing back just so I could add mustaches to everyone's faces. Mustaches are an ultimate insult, you know.

With Feliciano growing up so quickly, my parents had to buy things. New clothes, new toys, a new bed…

And it was back to the whispers.

But sometimes, their voices would get louder than actual whispers. Sometimes I could hear their voices quite clearly.

"Gilbert, you are literally _killing_ yourself over this! I'm not about to let you take on _another_ shift! You'd be working for nearly 24 hours of the day if you do! And when will you rest?"

"Unless you have another bright idea, this is what's going to have to happen!"

"When is your next shift?"

"…"

"Gilbert, answer the question!"

"In about three hours!"

"Are you _kidding_ me? It's the middle of the night!"

"It'll be dawn by the time I start working!"

"That's not the point! Did you get any sleep at _all_ today?"

"I got a little. There are beds at the station."

"Gilbert, please, just let me _help_ you-"

"No!"

"You are such an ass sometimes!"

"I'm not dealing with this right now…"

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Back to the station! My guys need me!"

And then the door slammed shut.

Although it seems impossible, I managed to see my dad even less. Now his two excuses were: "I'll be at work" and "I'll be with the guys". We soon found out that the latter statement meant he was going out drinking.

When I did see him at home, which was becoming quite rare, he constantly had a bottle of beer in his hand. This time, he didn't use it to make himself forget or to make himself happier. The happiness from the alcohol only lasted an hour at most. Nowadays, the beer would make him depressed. He'd sit and drink and get angry.

I avoided him when he got like that. My mom ignored him and wouldn't let him hold Feliciano. He complained about work now rather than spoke about how much he loved it. When he got bored at the table, he would get up and head over to where his friends were, at the bar or station or whatever…and when dad came home, he was loud and all smiles, but in an annoying way. He was obnoxious, as my mom liked to say. She would get angry whenever this happened.

As the days, weeks, and months passed, I found myself getting angry as well. But the thing was, I didn't know who I was angry at. I assumed it was my dad, but other than his drinking, I wasn't mad at him. He was still my dad.

I became more frustrated with school and Feliciano got more annoying than ever now that he was starting to walk. That basically meant he could walk up to me just to annoy me. I was overjoyed.

I was also losing sleep. My parents kept getting louder. Their whispers used to calm me, even if they were laced with worry. Now, their voices made me anxious, and the voices were no longer worried. They were just plain angry.

And this time? My parents didn't pretend everything was ok.

The frustrations from the previous night showed in their behavior during the day. They were constantly fighting over the stupidest things. Sometimes, I found myself fighting along with them if the situation was about me. A year or two ago, I never would have considered screaming at my parents in anger since I'd only get in trouble. But now that things were harder to deal with than ever before, and the fact that I was so frustrated with everything nearly one hundred percent of the time, I felt they _deserved_ to be yelled at. I would get sent to my room a lot.

"Just put down the freaking beer, Gilbert!"

"Hell to that, I like beer!"

"You're teaching your sons bad habits for the future!"

"The two of them seeing me take a few swigs of beer isn't going to _kill_ them, right Lovino?"

"Just shut up, the both of you!"

"Lovino, don't you _dare_ speak to your mother and father that way!" my mom usually screamed before I was sent to my room to "think about what I'd done".

Listening to my parents at night became a regular occurrence. We were in more financial debt than ever.

There was one night that stood out in particular.

"How are we going to pay for these? Hm, Gilbert? How?"

"I'm doing the best I can, Elizaveta!"

"If you were doing the best you could, then you'd stop wasting all of your money on beer!"

The voices weren't just shouted whispers anymore. This time, the voices were screams. They were loud and shouted at the top of my parents' lungs.

"I _need_ this! I can't just stop it!"

"Like hell you need it!"

"I do!"

"What for, Gilbert? Why do you 'need' to drink?"

"You _know_ why! You know I want to forget!"

"That was _one thing_! Get the hell over it by now! Your family needs you!"

"What did you say, you bitch?"

I think that was the first time I heard that word.

"I said: get. the hell. over it."

"Don't you _dare_ say that to me! You have no idea what I've been through ever since that day!"

"Maybe not, but I know what this _family_ has been through! It's been through hell and back because of your stupid drinking and stupid excuses!"

"Then maybe if I'm such a bad husband, you should've married Roderich!"

"I didn't marry Roderich, I married you!"

"And you regret it, don't you?"

"Don't start with me, Gilbert, just don't _start_ with me."

"I heard you've been seeing him a lot lately. Maybe that's another reason I drink, so I can be happy and ignorant rather than know you're out being a slut with some other guy!"

And then I heard the sound of metal hitting the wall.

It startled me. I was getting very scared and little Feliciano was out of his bed, crying and approaching the door where I sat. My entire body was shaking as I slowly opened the door to see just what was going on and what that sound had been.

Looking out, I saw my mom with a frying pan in her hand. There was a dent in the wall with cracked paint. She pointed the frying pan at him, waving it furiously in his direction.

"How _dare_ you call me that! After all I've done for this family, you have the nerve to speak to me that way!"

"I can call you whatever I want!"

My mom hit the frying pan against the wall again. The sound it made hurt my ears.

"Get out! Get the _fuck_ out of here Gilbert, I never want to see your face again! _Now!_ "

And with that, my father left and slammed the door behind him.

Feliciano was crying really hard, stumbling on his way over to the source of commotion. I was shaking and backing away into my room. My mom was slumped at the table crying like I'd never seen before.

The next day my parents filed for a divorce.

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**A/N:** Thanks for reading! Critiques are loved!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Thank you all so much for your kind reviews! I don't have much to say other than the fact that I'm very grateful for them :) Enjoy!

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**Chapter 4**

Phone calls. That's all I looked forward to now.

The year of the divorce passed by in an almost surreal manner. I was so confused about what a divorce was in the first place. Mom and dad weren't together anymore? What did that mean? Did a divorce mean they weren't my parents anymore? Why did mom and dad want a divorce? Who would take care of me and my baby brother?

And later, I found myself asking, "Will dad ever come back home?"

Mom and dad sat me and Feliciano down to explain what was going to happen during the divorce. They tried describing what a divorce was and why they were having one, but that didn't stop me from being so utterly confused. They said they didn't love each other anymore. When did that happen? They were together for so long, and after a few fights decided they didn't love each other anymore?

Well, more than just a few fights. Anyone could've looked into our household and seen just how their marriage was falling apart…but when you're just a kid who is read fairytales about how the prince and the princess live happily ever after, it's difficult to separate the fantasy from reality. In real life, moms and dads didn't have to love each other. I just hate accepting that fact.

At first, and I'd never admit it to anyone…I felt guilty. I did blame others about why this was happening, especially my dad, but when it came down to it, I felt like the divorce was my fault. Maybe if I hadn't wanted such an expensive toy for Christmas, or that sugar cereal for breakfast every day, or to go on that class trip to the zoo, we would've had enough money to pay the bills and my parents would still be happy and together.

My mom had me go to a counselor for a little bit during the divorce. I really hated that place, but it did help me realize one thing: I wasn't to blame for this. It took a while to accept, and I did so begrudgingly. However, once I did, I definitely had a clearer head.

The counselors for my mom were her friends. They were her crutch. She was constantly on the phone, pouring her heart out, complaining, and sometimes just talking about nothing. One of those friends was Roderich, who came to comfort her a few days after the announcement of the divorce. I saw the whole moment in slow motion.

A knock at the door, Roderich coming in the house because the door wasn't even locked, and my mom running into his arms and crying on his shoulder. They stood like that for a while, my mom being held by that stranger, who was rubbing his hand up and down her back in comfort. I hated it so much.

Dad started moving his stuff out of the house about a month after the divorce was declared. I barely saw him anyway. After that big fight my parents had, he had been staying over at his friend's place rather than living at home with us. He would visit often and always tell me and Feliciano how much he loved us. I really wanted to believe him, but at the time, I was too distracted by anger to say "I love you" back.

* * *

_RIIIING_

"I got it, I got it!" I shouted as I ran down the hall to where the phone was.

It had been about a year and a half since the divorce. Everything had been finalized on paper, so the process was now done. We could finally focus on our own lives, and it made things so much better for the divorce to be over and done with.

"Move out of the way, squirt!" I shouted to Feliciano as I pushed him away from the phone. The little guy was really curious and stupid most of the time. I didn't want him putting the phone in his mouth or else we'd probably have to throw it in a fire.

"Hello?"

"Hey kiddo, how was school today?"

My dad's voice was a welcome and familiar sound…not that I needed to hear it often or anything like that! It was just a nice break from my homework, which kept getting harder and harder as the days passed. Besides, my dad was obviously the one who missed me, and who would I be to deny him the happiness of hearing my voice? He was so weird that way.

"I hated it! I got assigned a book report that's due in two weeks. I don't want to read a _book_!" I shouted, frustrated over the situation.

"Aw man, that sucks! Go watch the movie version of the book and write about that!" my dad suggested. It did seem like a good idea…

But mom would never go for it. "Nah, my teacher told us not to," I grumbled, avoiding telling him that it was actually mom who probably wouldn't let me do that.

"Ah well. So, what book are you reading?"

The conversation went on for about 20 minutes. It was a nice chunk of time, but I knew I had to hang up soon.

"Dad, I have to get started on that book now…" I said regretfully. Honestly, I knew he wouldn't care whether or not I did the book report, and I knew I was likely to fail the assignment anyway, but talking to my dad when my mom was close by was sort of…weird. She would be in another room, distracted by something else. Yet, I couldn't shake the suspicion that she was listening to everything I said while on the phone. She never spoke about me talking to dad and claimed she was perfectly happy with the arrangement, but…her sentences always seemed so forced.

"Oh, ok kiddo. Hey, put Feli on for a sec, I want to say hi," my dad said.

"Alright…" I grumbled, handing the phone over to my baby brother. He took the phone in both hands and held it to his ears.

"Hi!" he shouted cheerfully into the phone. Their conversation didn't last long at all, especially once Feliciano decided to put the receiver into his mouth and suck on it. Yep, we'd definitely have to burn the phone.

I grabbed the device out of his mouth, wiped off most of the saliva onto his shirt (it was his own fault), and put the phone back to my ear. "Happy to hear his slobber?" I asked while trying not to shiver from disgust.

"Feli is one awesome kid!" dad shouted, which only made me angry. "I wonder if I ate phones when I was his age…"

"Dad, that's gross!"

"So was cleaning your diaper." That just made me embarrassed. "Anyway, I'll see you around. Love you, kiddo!"

"Yeah, love you too, dad," I mumbled before hanging up.

Dad came over to visit the next day as a surprise. I played catch with him outside, and then he took me and Feli out for gelato so mom could go food shopping. He had to pay child support ever since we were placed in mom's custody, and she was having trouble paying the bills even more. Her parents promised to keep lending her money until she got a job of her own, and there was a little help from the government, so things weren't as bad as they could have been. Well, financially, things were bad, but it could've been worse is all I'm saying.

Without the stress of the divorce process, things were actually looking up for the better. Nothing was really the same anymore, but I was learning to cope. Mom seemed happier these days for some reason, and dad was always excited when he came to visit or spoke to me on the phone. I could still smell the alcohol on this breath, though.

Mom greeted us at the door once we got home. She was wearing a small smile on her face for us. When she turned to my dad, her face turned utterly neutral. "Thank you for watching them, Gilbert."

My dad smirked. "No prob, Liz," he said.

My mom turned to me and my brother. "Lovi, why don't you get Feliciano ready for bed for mommy?" Aw man, this sucked.

"What? But I don't want to!" I shouted.

"_Now_, Lovino," my mom said with this creepy smile on her face and an expression that said, "If you don't do what I say, I might just murder Santa Claus". I got kind of scared and ran out of the room with Feliciano in my arms. Before my parents were completely out of earshot, however, I heard my mom whisper, "Gil, I need to speak with you for a second…"

* * *

My dad was kind of in a daze while kissing us goodnight. It was as if his mind was on another planet completely. I didn't know what my parents had spoken about, but whatever it was, it actually managed to make my dad quiet.

I heard the front door shut a few minutes later, meaning my dad had left to go back to the station or to his buddies or to wherever he lived nowadays. The familiar waft of sleep was creeping up on me, but before I could drift off completely, my mom tip toed her way into the bedroom.

"Lovino, sweetie? Are you still awake?" she whispered softly. I grumbled and turned around on my bed to face her, kind of frustrated that she wasn't letting me to go sleep.

"I'm awake," I managed to mumble out. I felt my eyelids starting to close, but I fought to keep them up.

My mom knelt down by my bed and started to stroke a hand through my hair. "Lovino, you know how much I love you, right?" she asked. I nodded my head slowly. "And…you know how much I care about your father, right?" I was a little confused by this question.

"No…?" I answered, unsure where she was going with this.

My mom sighed. She said, "Lovino, I want you to know that I love and care for your father very much." This was news to me. I thought the divorce meant they _didn't_ love each other.

"But…you got a divorce," I said, furrowing my eyes.

"Yes, I know sweetie. When I say I love your father, I mean that I do love Gilbert…I'm just not _in_ love with him. Do you understand?" I nodded my head even though I was still puzzled by the entire thing. She loved him, but didn't love him? Was there really a difference between love and in love?

My mom saw me nod and decided to continue. "Well, I just want you to know that, even though I really love your father…" she said, her sentence drifting off. I looked for her to complete her thought. She was looking away from me right now.

Giving another sigh and putting the softest smile on her face, my mom turned to me and said, "I'm dating Roderich."

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**A/N:** Thank you for reading! This chapter was shorter than the others, but I hope you enjoyed nonetheless. Critiques are loved!


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Enjoy!

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**Chapter 5**

Roderich was over at the house often now, which naturally meant dad stayed away.

I never hated another person more than I hated Roderich in my entire life.

He was a stuck up, pretty boy musician who thought he could just steal my mom away from my dad. Ok, yeah, they were divorced, big whoop. But did that mean they had to see _other_ people? I didn't want his prissy attitude in the house and his overly polite way of doing things. He was the exact opposite of my dad! My dad was fun-loving, obnoxious, energetic, adventurous…the only thing the two of them had in common was their _ego_.

And the way my mom looked at Roderich was just horrible to watch. She would be sitting or standing nearby, look over her shoulder, smile, then sigh softly. She _never_ did that with her husband! All of a sudden she's head-over-heels for this guy? Ok, I knew it had been one and a half since the divorce when she started seeing him and that she dated this guy in high school before she met my dad, but seriously? She was actually over my dad like this? She didn't love my dad! Dating Roderich was the exact opposite way of showing my dad she loved him! It was as if she was trying to hurt all of us on purpose.

My mom and Roderich have been dating for about a year now…Worst fucking year of my entire life. Dad's calls were less frequent. I would usually talk to him every day, but ever since my mom started seeing this guy, dad only called around once a week. My dad didn't visit anymore either. He only came during the holidays, and even though I got to see his face again, it did nothing to lift my spirits, not when we were celebrating the holiday with Roderich in the house as well.

Roderich had to realize how much the both of us hated him… I was purposely an ass to him. I did everything in my power to make sure that he had a miserable time. Maybe he would leave my mom so she could see what a bastard he was and then she'd finally realize how much she loved dad and they'd get married again and live happily ever after…

But I knew that wasn't going to happen. Besides, Roderich stuck around the house for this long, which meant he either really cared for my mom, or he was after something and no amount of my screaming could deter him from his goal. It was probably the latter.

I remember how I had blamed my dad and his drinking for what happened to this family, but lately I found myself blaming mom and Roderich. It was their fault I was feeling this miserable. It was their fault that I could never concentrate in school and that I just didn't care about anything anymore. Their fault. Not dad's, and not mine. Dad even seemed like the victim at times.

Roderich's visits to the house had been short and brief in the beginning. He'd say, "Hello, how are the two of you?" to my brother and I. After about a month or two, his visits became longer, and a month after that he started sleeping over on weekends. He slept in the same bed as my mom, the same side my dad used to sleep on. How _dare_ that guy think he can do this?

I tried so many ways to get him out of the house. I insulted his music (which my mom fawned over every time he played), wouldn't let him drive me to my new school (since I had started junior high), always put things in his shoes, stole his glasses, screamed at him when he said something to piss me off… I knew I was being an ass, and my mom knew it too. Getting sent to my room wasn't really working anymore, so she would just scream at me to behave, saying how disappointed she was in me and stuff. Well, sorry to burst your bubble mom, but you gave birth to this big fucking disappointment, didn't you?

My mom was probably used to disappointment. I mean, there was my dad and there was me, and she hated us both. It was so obvious that she didn't love me from the way she yelled. And I would _not_ spend the night crying in my sleep because I had realized my mom didn't care about me. Nope, not a single tear.

…Ok, so I knew my mom did love me. It's just…sometimes it really didn't seem like it. It was as if she was out to get me. I was growing up, and I guess hormones just kicked in and made me suddenly realize that, hey, I have opinions and I have a voice and I'll tell you just what's on my mind. I didn't care what she thought of me anymore, not at all! So what if I was a big disappointment? Why did I have to be nice and care about someone I hated? Why couldn't she be more considerate and stop dating that bastard?

Why couldn't she see how hurt I was, damn it?

I had no one at school to talk to about this shit… I don't think I was brave enough to talk about it with anybody, to be honest. All the morons at school were too consumed with their own lives to care about anyone else, so why should I have even bothered with them? The only one I could talk to was my dad…but he called so little nowadays that I didn't get that opportunity often. I usually didn't voice my feelings to anyone, but I knew I could usually trust dad with stuff. Each time he did call, I always had to make sure mom or Roderich weren't right there to eavesdrop, and it made everything all the more frustrating.

Feliciano was starting kindergarten. He was almost like a stranger to me at times. I didn't understand the kid. He was always so happy and naïve, it was actually pathetic. All the kid cared about was food and his naps. I knew he was young when the divorce happened, but he seemed too carefree to realize all the crap that was going on in his life.

We almost had to move out of our house at one point. We just couldn't afford the mortgage anymore. Of course, Mr. Knight in Shining Armor decided to help us pay the bills and keep us afloat. Thanks Roderich. Now why would mom want to get rid of you if you keep giving her money?

Nothing felt the same anymore. I felt as if my entire life had been turned upside down and now I was stuck in this fucked up dimension that had everything I could possibly hate. I wanted it to end so badly…

I really wanted my dad to come home…

* * *

Another year passed in a similar manner, but there was something different about today that was…_off_. My mom was giddy as she prepared dinner in the kitchen and Roderich was all smiles. That guy was so serious that I was surprised his mouth didn't break once he used his facial muscles or whatever.

As we all sat down at the table, my mom and Roderich stole glances at one another. It was pathetic to see two lovebirds like that, especially since one of those lovebirds was a bastard to the highest degree. Feliciano and I sat across from those two. I picked at my food. Something was _definitely_ off. There were tons of tomatoes in the pasta and my mom knew how much I loved tomatoes… Why would she prepare one of my favorite dishes?

"Ahem," Roderich breathed, causing me to scowl at him. I narrowed my eyes in suspicion to what he was about to say.

"As you two know, I love your mother very much…" he began. I scoffed and rolled my eyes. My mom glared at me to make sure I kept my mouth shut.

I spoke anyway. "And you're telling us this because…?" I asked.

"Well, your mother and I have some great news," he said, looking towards my mom. "Elizaveta, why don't you show them your finger?"

As soon as she raised her hand to show us, I dropped my fork on the plate. There, right on my mom's finger, was an engagement ring.

Slamming my hands on the table, I stood up and shouted, "You're getting fucking married?"

My mom's mouth opened in outrage. "Do _not_ use that language in front of your little brother!"

I continued to shout. "What the hell, mom? You can't marry him!" I was so furious at her, at the both of them. Married? Were they shitting me? I didn't want her to get married to this bastard, I didn't want anything to do with him! She wanted him to be my stepdad? Who did she think she was kidding?

"Lovino, sit down this instant!" my mom shouted.

"No!" I screamed back. "No, you can't _do_ this to me, you can do this to us!"

My mom looked confused. "Us? Your little brother seems to be handling the news just fine!" I looked towards my brother with an angry scowl.

"I didn't mean 'us' as in me and Feliciano!" I shouted. Turning my head back in her direction, I went on, "I was talking about me and _dad_!" I was so aggravated that she didn't understand. Did she honestly think that I would sit down quietly and accept this news?

Roderich spoke up. "Lovino, please sit down, you're acting up and-"

"Of course I'm acting up!" I shook my head as I glowered at him, no words coming to my mouth. I took a step back and looked at the whole table. Everyone stared back as if I was some kind of freak. Feliciano was shivering in his seat, my mom was glaring at me, and Roderich just looked very serious. It was like I was an alien inside my own house. I felt an intense fury bubble in my chest. I started to breathe heavily through my nose, trying to keep calm but being overall unsuccessful. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to stop any of this. I only said one thing before stomping away:

"I fucking hate this family."

About two hours later, when no one was in or around the living room, I called my dad. I was never the one to call, but this time I really needed to talk to someone, _anyone_. No one in this family understood what I was going through. They all thought I was some kind of a freak and a disappointment for not being happy that my dad was being _replaced_. There was a lump that was starting to build up in my throat, but I concentrated on not letting any tears fall.

"Hetalia Fire Department personal line. Do you have an emergency?"

"Can I talk to Gilbert Vargas, please?" I asked. It felt so weird to be the one calling him…

After a bit of shuffling on the other end of the line, my dad's voice finally came. "Hello?" My dad sounded confused. He probably never received any calls at the station.

"…Dad?" I croaked out, still trying to calm down and make my emotions behave.

"Lovino? Lovino, what's wrong?" he asked, sounding extremely worried now. My bottom lip quivered.

"Dad…dad, mom's going to marry Roderich," I said, holding the phone close to my ear. There was nothing but silence on the other end of the line. I bit my lip and held the phone even closer. "Dad? Dad, are you there?"

"…Yeah. Yeah, I'm here," he said, his voice barely audible.

"Dad, please, you have to do something. I…I don't want her to marry him!" I whispered frantically into the phone in case someone overheard.

And then, the line went dead.

I sat there in disbelief for a few moments, listening to the low buzz ringing in my ear. "Dad?" I asked quietly, but it was obviously too late.

After a few more seconds, I threw the phone to the ground. What the hell was _that_? He just decided to hang up on me! Just like that! I didn't have _anyone_.

I tried calling again a few minutes later, but the guy on the other end of the line wouldn't let me speak to him.

"I'm sorry son, but I can't let you speak to Gilbert at the moment, so if you could please stop yelling, I'll take a message for you!"

"Fine!" I screamed. "Tell him that he better call me back! And that if mom and Roderich _do_ decide to get married, that he better grow some balls and show up at the fucking wedding because I am _not_ dealing with this myself!" And with that, I slammed the phone down.

A few months later, Elizaveta and Roderich were happily married.

Dad never showed up to the wedding.

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**A/N:** Thank you for reading! Critiques are loved! :)


	6. Chapter 6

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Chapter 6

Dad only calls once a month now, at most. It doesn't matter to me all that much, anyway. The phone calls have become pathetic nowadays.

It's been about a year since the wedding. I haven't seen my dad at all. I've just started high school as well, so things are pretty shitty.

I really hate that fucking cliché "no one understands me" teenage mentality, but sometimes I couldn't help but think it myself. My mom was more concerned with her own happiness than with mine, Roderich was just a bastard, and Feliciano was an airhead. As for my dad? I hoped he had it just as bad as I did.

The guy never showed his face…it's as if he just cut off all ties to the family. Well you know what? Fuck him. I didn't need him in my life! He obviously didn't need _me_ in his life, or he'd actually try to act like a father rather than a coward. And yeah, I'm kind of a coward when it comes to lots of stuff, but at least I've been able to put up with my mom getting remarried, unlike _him_.

Living with my new "dad" was a big transition for me. Instead of Roderich just frequently visiting, he was home all the time. The only perk about this was the influx of pastries he made. I'd never admit it out loud, but he could bake a pretty amazing cake (and make a lot of noise in the kitchen doing so, I might add). The hardest part, however, of this new change was dealing with…the honeymoon. Mom and Roderich took a week off for themselves and made Feliciano and I stay over at our grandparents' house. A few weeks later, mom tells us she's pregnant.

I didn't know…how I felt about this. I remembered, back when I was really little and Feliciano was born, that I was angry for some reason. I didn't like sharing my stuff, and I especially didn't like sharing my parents. But, now there wasn't really anything to share with the new kid on the way. That poor, pathetic thing didn't need to share Roderich because, in my opinion, the baby could _have_ him. I didn't really know if sharing my mom was going to be a big deal either. I was already ignored as it was, no matter what I did. I hated it when I felt like she didn't listen to me and only fawned over Feliciano and Roderich, so what would a new face to the family really do to worsen our relationship?

Sometimes…sometimes mom would try to talk things out with me. She'd get this look on her face that was filled with a lot of sympathy (but I usually considered it pity) and walk over to me, speaking in a soft voice about why she made these decisions and how she wants me to talk about how I feel and blah blah blah… Each time she tried that, I crossed my arms and turned away. I just…can't deal with that sort of stuff and I don't know why. It freaks me out. I feel like I'm being babied, and yet I'm fourteen years old already. Doesn't anyone respect that I'm growing up? Does anyone even notice?

I was in my bedroom playing videogames (and I was totally kicking ass) when little Feli decided to barge in and climb on top of my bed with me.

"Ve~ Lovino, where's daddy?"

I paused the game to turn and face him. I gave him a confused look on my face. "How the hell should I know, squirt? We haven't exactly seen him in while…"

My little brother just giggled up at me. "Lovi, we see daddy everyday!"

I was even more confused at this point. "Hey dumbass, dad moved out of here _years_ ago."

"Huh?" was his brilliant response as he put a finger to his lips in thought. "I saw him baking a cake yesterday, and the day before that he played the violin, and the day before that-"

"_Roderich_?" I shouted at him, finally understanding the kid. Feliciano nodded the affirmative. I stared at my brother for a few seconds, eyes wide and mouth slightly ajar. My brother…he thought _Roderich_ was his _dad_?

"Feliciano, Roderich isn't 'daddy', ok? Roderich is your _stepdad_," I said sternly, hoping to drive this point into his little skull. He just looked up at me with a blank expression.

"But…why isn't Roderich daddy?" he asked. Damn him for using that freaking innocent voice! Didn't he have any clue as to what happened these past few years? I mean, I knew the kid was only around 2-3 when the divorce happened, but _c'mon_! He had to know what happened before Roderich came into his life!

"Roderich's not daddy because…because he's just not, ok!" was my clever reply. "Your real daddy works at the fire station, remember? Remember?" I asked him, leaning down and trying to get him to recall anything that had happened. I was nearly interrogating the poor kid if the tears threatening to fall were anything to go by. He sniffed and shook his head.

I stared at him with an incredulous look on my face. He honestly…didn't remember his real dad? Our dad? For the first time in my life, I think I was actually dumbfounded. It was so hard just to comprehend that Feliciano didn't know who dad was…and it just made me realize how long dad hadn't been a part of our lives. He missed out on Feliciano's life completely.

I sighed, turning back to my videogame. Videogames couldn't get my dad back and they couldn't get Roderich to die, but at least they could distract me.

"Ve~ Lovino, you didn't answer my question…"

"I don't know where Roderich is, ok?" I yelled, eyes focused on the screen before me.

I didn't even have to turn around to know that Feliciano probably crying at this point. "B-but daddy said he would take me to Ludwig's today!"

I paused my videogame again. "Who the hell is Ludwig?"

Feliciano's tears dried up in an instant and his pout was replaced by a smile. "Ludwig is my best friend!" he joyfully exclaimed.

"Best friend…?" Since when did Feliciano have a best friend?

"Yes! Ludwig is very smart. He helps me with adding and he makes sure I remember not to put pasta on my head during lunch and he helps stop the bullies from beating me up and he-"

"Bullies?" I exclaimed. Why didn't I know about this either? Was Feliciano keeping secrets from me or something? I was his older brother, damn it!

Feliciano continued to smile and talk about his oh-so-wonderful friend before I interrupted again. "Feli, when did you start getting bullied?" I asked.

"Um…my first day of school?" His face was a blank slate at the moment.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" I asked immediately.

"I don't usually talk to big brother," was all he said.

I hated having realizations, but I recognized the one I was having right now. Feliciano and I…we were like strangers even though we were related by blood. Feliciano didn't really have anyone at home besides mom and Roderich…he didn't know his real dad, and it was fairly obvious he didn't know his real brother while I didn't know a single thing about him. I had hated him from the beginning for being stupid, and yet I was still overprotective. But what's the point of being overprotective when there's nothing to protect him from, and apparently when he _is_ facing danger, I'm not there for him?

I almost wanted to tell him that I'd handle the bullies, but schoolyard fights weren't really my thing. And, it seemed as though Feliciano was happy to have Ludwig protect him. This thought only made me angry. Someone else was closer to Feliciano than I was. Much closer. I hadn't even realized Feli called Roderich 'daddy' until today!

Throwing the controller onto the bed, I walked out of the room and plopped myself down the couch. I didn't want to deal with Feliciano right now and I didn't want to admit that I had been a pretty shitty older brother over the years.

…Maybe I would've been a better brother if someone had been a better father.

I hit myself in the head for thinking that. I really hated thinking sometimes. It didn't lead to anything. It was better to just react to situations than dwell too much on them, even though that's what I had been doing lately.

Staring into my hands, I wondered about the new baby that would be here, how I had been the worst role model of an older brother, and how Feliciano would treat the child once it was born…

* * *

_RIIIING_

It barely registered with me that the phone had rung. I had to literally push myself off the bed to even make it in time before the answering machine picked up the message. I knew it was my dad. It had to be since anyone barely called us. But like I said before, I no longer looked forward to these phone calls like I used to. They were short and done only because it was the proper thing to do. Dad probably felt less pathetic at night knowing he called, however rare it was.

"Hello?"

"Hey, kiddo, how was school today?"

His voice just wasn't the same. It was pure formality, even with that old nickname he used to have for me. There was no feeling behind the words. They were completely empty.

"Fine," I stated bluntly. "Today's Saturday, by the way. No school."

"Huh? Oh, sorry, didn't realize what day it was…" My dad's speech sounded slightly slurred. I narrowed my eyes as I began to speak again.

"Dad…are you _drunk_?" I asked disbelieving.

"I am not drunk!" he exclaimed, his words melding together.

"You're fucking drunk off your ass, aren't you?" Who the hell did he think he was calling me when he was busy drinking? Of all the shit he's put me through, you think he'd _at least_ have the common courtesy to be _sober_ when he called!

The line on the other end was silent. My face contorted into anger. "Call me when you actually have something to say to me, jackass!" I shouted and slammed the phone down. I was practically seething at what had just happened, but I guess I wasn't the only one who knew what had just happened.

"Lovino?"

I quickly turned around and found Roderich, of all people, standing a few feet behind me. His eyes were wide with shock and he just kept staring at me. I felt like a deer caught in the headlights, so I just stared right back. I was always so careful to keep these conversations with my dad quiet, but it had been so long since we've talked and the phone calls didn't mean much to me anymore anyway!

I was the first to speak. "What? What are you looking at, huh?" I used the anger that was already festering in my chest to lash out at Roderich.

"…Lovino, I'd like to talk to you. In private, if you please," he said. I just stood there staring at his retreating back. He was going into my bedroom. Tentatively, I followed him inside, unsure what he wanted to talk about. As a matter of fact, I don't remember ever having actually spoken to the guy, other than when I yelled at him…

Sitting down on the bed next to Roderich, I tried my best not to look the disgusting guy in the face.

"Lovino, why don't you ever speak to me about your problems?" I blinked rapidly at the question. What did he just say?

Cautiously looking him in the eye, I responded, "Why is it any of your fucking business?"

It was Roderich's turned to look surprised. "I just want to see if I can help." I almost laughed at this.

"Help? How can you help me if _you're_ the problem?" I asked, looking at him directly in the face. I was feeling a lot braver than usual, but it felt good to finally voice how I felt.

"Why do you hate me so much, Lovino?" Roderich asked, and I could almost swear the guy looked…hurt. But bastards like him weren't supposed to have actual feelings!

"Why? You're seriously asking me that?" I shouted, anger bubbling up rapidly. "You came into my life when I didn't want you there, stole my mom away and now you're trying to act like you're my dad!" I stood up and looked down at him on my bed.

"Lovino, I _am_ your dad now-"

"You will _never_ be my father!" I shouted, furious at what he just said. "I have a dad, and it's not you!"

Roderich sighed. "Then at least acknowledge me as your stepfather."

"No!" There was no way in hell I'd acknowledge this guy as anything but the bastard who'd helped ruin a perfectly nice family!

"I consider you my son, Lovino," he spoke softly. I swallowed thickly.

"I am not your son, Roderich. I'll never be your son," I stated, hoping he got the picture.

"It doesn't matter, Lovino-"

"Yes it does! That kid growing in mom's stomach is _your_ son and you've already convinced Feliciano that he's _your_ son, but there's no way in hell I'd ever let you say _I'm _your son!"

"Why not?" Roderich asked quietly.

"Because you don't giving a flying fuck about me!" I screamed. He was so _infuriating_. "All you care about is banging my mom! You don't care about me or Feliciano or my dad! You're just some homewrecker that makes my life miserable!"

Roderich stayed silent for a moment. "…Is that what you really think of me?"

Now it was my turn to stay silent. At the moment, I didn't know what to think. Here was this guy acting all high and mighty and like he actually cared about what I thought. Why _did_ he care? He had my mom, didn't he? Why did my feelings suddenly matter to him?

"Lovino…" he began, "I know that losing your father and gaining a stepfather is not an easy thing to go through." I scoffed. "But I just want you to know that, if your real father isn't there for you…that I'll be right here."

Roderich looked at me, trying to read my expression as I read his. I couldn't believe…I couldn't believe what he had just said to me. I gave a sarcastic chuckle and crossed my arms, shaking my head because this situation was just so ridiculous I couldn't believe it. Why the hell was he acting so nice? Why did he keep putting up with me and this family? Why did he have to make it so damn convincing that he actually _cared_?

"Why can't you be mean like I want you to?" I shouted at him. "Why do you have to act so nice?"

Roderich's eyes grew wide. "Excuse me?"

"How the hell am I supposed to blame this shitty life on you if you're never actually the wicked stepfather I want you to be?" Wheels were turning in my head, and I suddenly realized that the only reason I hated Roderich so much was because I needed to hate him. I needed someone to hate or else I had no one else to hate except my real dad…my real dad and myself. I didn't want to carry any of the blame for how I ended up in life. I wanted to dump it all onto one person, but it was just so difficult when the person would passively stand by and let you act viciously towards him!

There was a tense silence after my outburst. Roderich stood up silently, and now he was looking down at me.

"Lovino…I want you to know that I love your mother, Feliciano, and you."

"You fucking _liar_-"

"I held you in my arms when you were just born…I've known you you're entire life, whether you realize that or not…" I was breathing pretty heavily right now. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye. "I care about you Lovino, and I see you hurting yourself. If you need me, I'll be here." And with that, he walked away.

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**A/N:** Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed :) Critiques are loved~


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** Thank you all so much for your wonderful reviews, favorites, alerts, etc.! I'm really happy you're all enjoying this story. Everything in this fic has been culminating up to this point, so I really hope this chapter turned out well. Without further ado, enjoy!

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**Chapter 7**

I felt like an outsider in my own family.

Mom was happy. Roderich was happy. Feliciano was happy. But I was unhappy.

I was unhappy with everything and everyone. I couldn't believe that everyone pretended that everything was _normal_ now, that everything was ok when it clearly _wasn't_. I noticed how mom would sit at the kitchen table and sigh. I noticed how Roderich would always pinch the bridge between his eyes whenever he had a nasty headache. I noticed the way Feliciano would constantly beg to go to Ludwig's house rather than stay at home.

And yet, they all acted as if they were really happy. After observing them for so long, I could see right through their little façade, their little game. I was the only one who acknowledged that I was unhappy, that I was downright miserable.

Playing pretend was my least favorite game. My parents used to do it when they worried about finances and look where that got them. They pretended everything was fine during the day, but at night they revealed what was really going on in their minds. Why couldn't everyone just admit and accept what was going on in their lives? Why did they have to pretend? And why should others put up with their bullshit?

At least when dad was around, they used to be a happy family. All of them. Dad would break out the barbeque and mom would bake her signature brownies, and all Roderich would do is visit, not stick around like he does now. I would get to play catch, get to brag to friends about my awesome and heroic dad, get to grumble and act as angry as I wanted and still receive affection in the process…

My dad had really loved me, a long time ago. And I knew that I had really loved him. Maybe…maybe I still loved him. But as of now, that love was buried deep in my heart behind all the layers of hate and disappointment I had in him.

He was gone now, though. He was gone beyond my reach and I just had to accept that fact. I'd just have to learn how to actually be happy in this messed up family of mine, no matter how hard it would be.

However, I had no method to go about doing so.

What, exactly, would make me happy? What would make me feel better? The phone calls hadn't worked. Talking to Roderich would make me feel the exact opposite of happy. What did I need?

Did I need to learn more about Feliciano? Yes, I did. I would need to work on that…

Did I need to actually let my mom in? Yes, I did. I would need to work on that as well…

Did I need dad to come back home?

Yes.

Yes I did.

If dad was home…if dad was home, even if I just go to see his face…things would look up.

Nothing about my life was complete without my fun-loving dad in the picture. Roderich couldn't replace him, _no one_ could. I knew that I never told anyone how much I actually cared about dad before. I knew that I even had trouble accepting how much I cared for him. But the fact of the matter was that I needed him. I needed him so badly, just to hug me and give me the attention I craved and love me for who I was and never be disappointed in me and always accept my faults no matter what they were!

Where was this dad of mine? Where did he go?

He just disappeared, straight out of my life! He willingly gave up his son. And for what? Because of heartbreak? Because of drinking?

At that moment, I was just so _angry_ with him, like I had never been before. I was conflicted, missing him and hating him and loving him all at the same time that I pulled at my hair and tossed and turned in bed.

Where the fuck was the father that tucked me in at night, that gave me a goodnight kiss and always made sure he told me he loved me every single day? Had my father been a bastard all this time? Had he really not cared for me all these years?

Of course not! He had to care, he _had_ to! There was no way he stopped loving me, no way he stopped loving my mom Elizaveta, no way he stopped loving little Feliciano!

The drinking took him away for good. Drinking makes you forget, and he forgot about us.

I had to do something about this.

* * *

Roderich was the one to drive me to the station. He did offer to be there for me, and at that moment I needed a ride.

When I walked out of the car and into the fire department, I didn't know what to expect. Would my dad be there? Was this even his shift? Putting on a brave face (my signature scowl), I stormed into the station and walked up to the first man I saw.

"Where's Gilbert Vargas?" I asked, or more like demanded. The man looked at me with surprise.

"Gil? He hasn't worked at the station in months…"

My eyes grew wide. "What?" I asked incredulously.

"Yeah. The guy wouldn't stop drinking and it interfered with his performance. We're short on members, but we couldn't afford a slip up when dealing with such a dangerous job."

I took a minute to absorb the information. My dad had been _fired_. He had been fired for being a fucking alcoholic! "My dad…where is he right now?" I asked hurriedly. I had to find him.

The guy looked surprised again. "You're Gil's kid? Damn, look at how old you are!"

I scoffed impatiently. "Yeah, whatever, can you just tell me where he is?"

"Now wait just a moment. Your dad's been asking me to give him something for a while. Can I trust you to give it to him if I give you his address?" I nodded my head quickly. I really didn't care what I had to deliver, just as long as I got to see my dad.

The man disappeared into the back of the station for a moment before emerging with a piece of paper in his hands. He offered it to me. The realization of what it was struck me in an instant.

"Your dad loved that picture. It got him through a rough time…he kept bragging about you. Lovino, right? Yeah, he was so proud of you, he would talk about you all the damn time…made my ears hurt, to be honest…"

The man kept talking, but I had long since tuned him out. I just kept staring at the picture I had drawn all those years ago, a picture of a happy family staring back at me. We were all smiling. We were…normal. We were happy. I felt my eyes begin to sting. I wanted to crumple the paper in my hand. My drawing was butt-ugly anyway…but still. I had promised to deliver this back to my dad and…I didn't think I'd be able to crumple this up regardless.

I got the address and ran back to the car where Roderich was waiting for me. We followed the directions the man had written for us on a piece of paper and before I knew it, we were in front of this old apartment building that looked barely habitable.

"Rod, are you sure this is the place?" I asked, hesitance written all over my features as I stared at the building. Roderich quirked an eyebrow at the nickname, but otherwise didn't allude to it.

"Well, the address on the door of the building is the same as the paper…" I glanced at him before climbing out of the car, gripping the drawing in my hand with a lot of force. I didn't think I'd actually be so nervous. It was just my _dad_, after all…but I hadn't seen him in years. What if everything I had wanted to tell him after all this time just…didn't come out?

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. I had to do this. With a heavy breath, I bravely walked up to the building and pushed open the door.

I knocked on his door with more force than necessary. My hand was shaking beyond my control, but I couldn't help it. I heard the sound of locks being undone and a voice that sounded groggy, as if someone had just woken up. When the last lock was undone, the door swung open…

And there he was.

Dad rubbed his eyes, saying, "What do you want?" I said nothing in response. After he was done, he removed his hands from his face and did a double take.

His eyes practically bulged from their sockets. "L-Lovino?" he asked, probably unsure that I was actually here.

I glared at him. I was up to his neck now…I had really grown since the last time I saw him. "Dad…" I said in a stern voice. I prayed that he didn't hear that slight waver.

My dad just kept staring at me as if he didn't believe I was in front of his door, looking him in the eye after all this time… "I…I haven't seen you in a while," he said, sounding completely stupid since he was probably at a loss for words.

I was going to make sure that I knew exactly what to say. "I haven't seen you in awhile either," I replied bitterly.

The tension in the air was awkward at the very least. After a few more moments of silence, my dad moved over and opened the door a bit more. "Uh, come in…?"

I barged my way through and into the apartment. It reeked of alcohol and there were bottles _everywhere_. The place was hardly furnished. There was a couch and a fabric chair in the living room with a crappy TV in front of both.

My dad turned to me after closing the door behind him. "You, uh, want a drink or something?" I stayed silent. "Oh, you can sit here!" he said, pushing away the garbage that had piled on top of a chair. I sat down, the drawing still held tightly in my hand and threatening to rip with the force of my grip.

Dad sat down on the couch and just stared at me. I had so much to say, but now that I was here, I didn't know where to start! All I felt was this perpetual anger coursing through me, but where could I even begin when I was feeling this way?

My dad was the one to try and break the ice. "So…what are you doing here?" he asked uncertainly.

I almost wanted to smirk. I almost wanted to laugh in his face while choking him with my own two hands. "What am I doing here?" I repeated in a sarcastic tone. "To ask you this: where the _hell_ have you been?" I shouted at him, turning to look him in the eye. I hoped my expression showed just how furious I was.

Dad looked shocked at my sudden outburst. "What? What are you talking about?"

I couldn't believe this guy! "Don't give me that bullshit, dad! Where have you been for all these years?" It was a question he wasn't meant to answer, but it was also a question that had been eating me up from the inside for _years_.

He was quick to respond. "I've been here, working at the station-"

"Like hell you are, I heard your ass got fired!" I screamed after his failed attempt at lying to my face.

At his, my dad's expression turned serious. "Who told you that?" he asked in a demanding voice.

I wasn't going to let that intimidate me. "One of the guys down at the station."

My dad gave a small "hmph" in response. "I see… Alright, yeah, so what? I'm looking for work…" he said indifferently. This just made me all the more angry.

"Looking for work? My God, are you that pathetic? Look at this place!" I shouted, gesturing to the whole crappy apartment. "It's trashed with beer bottles!"

I could see my dad getting angry like I was. "So what?"

"So what?" How could he even ask me that? "You're a fucking alcoholic who has no job and has two abandoned kids at home!" I screamed while standing up and looking him in the eye. It had felt so good to utter that last statement.

"I didn't abandon you!" He was fucking joking, right?

I gave a sarcastic chuckle. "Didn't abandon me? Didn't _abandon_ me? You've got to be shitting me! I haven't seen your fucking face in _years_, so don't give me that crap!"

"Is that why you came here? To yell at me?" my dad shouted back, now standing up along with me. "Yeah, I know I'm a pathetic father, alright! I know I screwed up! I don't need you spewing it in my face, Lovino!"

"No, what you need is a drink to make all your fucking troubles go away like magic!" I said, twiddling my fingers when I said "magic". He was living in the delusional and fake world of alcohol. "Just look what drinking's _done_ to you! You never used to be like this!" I now gestured to him. He was wearing a bathrobe and pajamas underneath. All items of clothing were extremely ratty. He also looked like he hadn't shaved in a while. His hair was all askew.

He glared back at me. "Don't you think I realize that? I'm not going to stop just because you tell me to, you know! Stopping drinking won't change a fucking thing in my life!"

I scoffed at that. "Maybe it'll make you sober enough to realize how pathetic you are!"

"That's _it_!" he shouted. I had pushed him really far with that last remark. "Get the fuck out of here, I'm tired of listening to you!" With that statement, I was eerily reminded of that fight between my parents all those years ago.

I had to stand my ground, though. "I'm not leaving because I'm not done!"

My dad rolled his eyes and turned away. "Going to guilt trip me some more?" I heard the anger in his voice, but I also heard something I thought I'd never hear from my dad… He sounded…vulnerable.

He was so pathetic. "Why…why do you still _drink_?" I asked him, incredulous that he would stick to a habit that had brought about his shitty life.

He sighed, his back still turned to me. "…I like to forget things," was all he said.

I shook my head. I knew what he was talking about. "Dad, the girl in the fire was a onetime thing, you have to let it _go_-"

But before I could finish, my dad whipped his head around and looked at me in fear. "Who…who told you about that?" he asked, his voice wavering, but demanding.

I let out a sharp breath. "You think you managed to keep everything a secret, didn't you?" I stared him in the eye when I said this. I wanted him to _know_ that I knew that little game he used to play with mom, where everything was all smiles in the morning because obviously nothing happened at night… "You thought you were so clever, whispering with mom about everything when I went to bed…I bet you didn't know I listened to you guys every single night."

The look on my dad's face could only be described as dumbstruck. He looked like he wanted to say something, but I wouldn't let him.

"Dad…dad I'm sorry for what happened that day," I said earnestly. "I'm sorry that you went through that, but just like that little girl needed a fireman to save her," I said, my voice beginning to waver, "I need a father."

My dad just stared at me, as if he couldn't comprehend what I was saying. Suddenly, his expression turned hateful. "…You have Roderich, don't you?" he asked sarcastically.

This entire conversation was exasperating. "Roderich isn't my dad! _You_ are!"

"Why do you want me as your father, anyway?" my dad asked angrily, turning towards me and shrugging his shoulders. "Aren't you much better off without me in your life?"

No. That wasn't true.

"I'm _miserable_ without you!" I screamed, my chest heaving. Why didn't he realize this?

My dad looked shocked once again. "What…what do you mean?" The way he asked the question…it's as if he didn't understand what I was saying, and yet…there was a faint trace of hope in his voice. It was a bizarre mix.

I felt tears begin to prickle in the corners of my eyes. "My life has been a living hell without you home!" I shouted at him, a tear streaming down my face. "I've been an outcast in my own family for so long…all because you weren't there. You stopped calling, you stopped caring when I needed you the most, dad!" I felt my voice crack as I continued to yell at him. The sobs were really threatening to break loose.

My dad looked off to the side. "…You don't need me."

"Yes I _do_," I said, so frustrated that he didn't seem to understand. "You used to play catch with me all the time. You used to tell me stories and tell me that you loved me…"

He stayed quiet.

"Where did that dad go? Where is he? Huh? Where?" My chest was shaking and I felt more tears stream down my face.

He continued to look away.

"Please dad…" I said in a small voice, too small for a person like me to have. But…but it was just so hard to actually say this. "Please come back home. I need you…I'm not happy, I haven't _been_ happy in years…life is a living hell for me." I wanted him to look at me, damn it, I wanted him to see how miserable I was! "I'm not close to anyone. Did you know that Feliciano doesn't even _remember_ you anymore? He thinks Roderich is his real dad…and mom? I can see that she misses you! The only form of contact she has is the check you send her every month for child support! She's even having another _baby_…" Didn't he care about all of us? At least once upon a time?

My dad finally decided to speak. Resignedly, he began, "Aren't you all just better off without me? Why can't you just accept your new family for what it is?"

"Because our family isn't complete without _you_!" I shouted, throwing the nearly crumpled drawing at him with all the force I could muster. "_That's_ our family, dad…"

He picked up the paper, which had fallen to the ground, and smoothed out its surface. His eyes widened at the sight. I saw his own eyes begin to get glassy as he stared. "T-this was…this was a long time ago…"

I sighed. "Dad, please… I need you in my life." I looked into his eyes, searching for something, anything that would give me answers. "Don't you love me anymore?"

My dad looked back at me. "…Of course I love you…" he said. "I love all of you…it's you who doesn't love me."

It was my turn to be shocked. He actually…he actually thought that I, that we didn't…?

"Dad…" I began slowly. "Dad, I…I love you." The way I said this made it seem like this was the most obvious thing in the world. It _was_ the most obvious thing in the world. "You're my _dad_. And I know I'm a fucking screw up when it comes to saying what I feel, but this is the truth. I love you, dad…"

He kept silent again. I kept going.

"…Don't you remember what you said to me one day?" I asked, recalling a conversation I had with him that meant the world. "When I was lonely because everyone was so busy with Feliciano that I felt downright invisible? You came up to me that day, and you told me that mom was really sad…you said she missed me. But why would she miss me when she had Feliciano, right?" My voice was getting smaller and smaller, wavering, but I knew that he understood what I was saying. "…You said nothing made mom happier than when the whole family was together… Well dad, nothing makes _me_ happier than when the whole family is together, and right now…you're not here. And I miss you and I need you, dad…I need you to come back home…"

I had just poured my heart out, left it bare and naked before my dad. Yet, he said nothing…there was nothing more I could do.

"Bye dad…" I said, and walked out the door.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:** This is the final chapter, guys :) Thank you all so much for the lovely reviews, favorites, and alerts. They mean the world to me. And, without further ado, enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 8**

My dad came back the next day.

I heard the tentative knock before my mom did, but I let her get it anyway. I felt safer hiding behind my bedroom door, looking out to see what would happen.

"G-Gilbert?" my mom exclaimed in confusion. "Honey, I mean, Gilbert, what are you doing here?" She was clearly surprised by his presence, but if she was mad about him being here, it didn't show. As a matter of fact, she almost seemed…kind of glad that he was here.

"Hey Liz…" my dad said with a small smile. Then, without warning, he wrapped my mom up in his arms and held on to her. "God I missed you so much…" I heard him whisper, his voice hoarse and weak.

My mom slowly hugged him back. "I missed you too, Gilbert…" she whispered back. Pushing him away from her gently, she got a good look at his face and smirked. "I see you cut yourself shaving his morning," she said with a small laugh. My dad rubbed the back of his neck and smirked.

"Well, you know, not everyone's perfect…" My mom practically beamed at him.

"Roderich, look who's here!" she shouted down the hall to her husband, my stepdad…it was going to be tough getting used to calling him that.

Roderich certainly hadn't been expecting my dad to be standing there. "Oh! Hello Gilbert," he said cautiously.

My dad gave him a once over with his eyes before smirking and pulling Roderich into one of his arms and giving a playful noogie to his hair, laughing all the while. Roderich definitely looked out of place and I smirked at his predicament. My dad eventually let go of my stepdad and punched him playfully in the arm, saying, "You better be taking good care of Liz, pretty boy."

Roderich rubbed the spot on his arm where my dad had punched him. "Yes, well, I'm doing my best…" My dad then looked back at my mom, noticing the slight bulge in her belly. The smile that grew on his face was a soft one.

However, he immediately snapped his attention back to the conversation. "So, Liz, do you think I could…talk to Lovino for a sec? Take him outside for a few moments and stuff?" My mom looked surprised for a second, but then smiled as she nodded.

"Lovino! Sweetie, look who's here!" she shouted towards my bedroom. I finally emerged, slowly walking up towards the happy group by the front door. I was still having trouble trusting my dad after the other day…

"Ve~ Mommy!" Little Feliciano came running down the hall with a drawing of a bowl of fruit in his hands. Damn, it actually looked realistic…crap, why did he have to be born with all the talent, yet no brains? He ran right past me and actually bumped into our dad's legs. Looking up at what he had just run into, he tilted his head as if he was trying to remember who this man was.

My dad smiled down at him and ruffled his hair. "How you doing, squirt?" I noticed a slight shake in my dad's voice…He hadn't been there to see Feliciano grow up. Finally, he turned his attention back to me.

"Hey kiddo… want to go for a walk?"

* * *

My dad and I talked for hours. We walked to a nearby park and sat down on the bench which overlooked a small lake with a few ducks in it. He began by telling me exactly how he felt when he failed to rescue that little girl… The image has never left his mind. He felt like a failure, like he was worthless and he hated himself for letting someone so precious die before he could save them. He told me that to lose a kid would be the worst pain a parent could ever have…and he blamed himself for giving that little girl's parents that pain. And, to top it all off, he kept having nightmares that it was really Feliciano and I who had died in that fire. That part I didn't know about.

He explained a lot about his drinking too. He told me it allowed him to forget what happened for at least a few moments, but it never actually fixed anything. He'd rather be drunk and ignorant than sober and aware. It was difficult to keep that feeling of ignorance, however, and so he drank more and more until he became dependent on the stuff.

He was probably still addicted. Just because he hadn't had anything to drink today didn't mean he wouldn't go back. He promised me he would check into an alcoholic anonymous support group once he got back to his apartment.

After that, my dad explained what he had been doing in life. How he got the crappy apartment, how he got fired, how he was desperately in search of a job…and also how much that drawing I had made meant to him.

It was then my turn to talk. I spoke about everything and anything that came to mind. My feelings towards Roderich, who wasn't as much of an ass as I originally thought. I spoke about how I thought mom acted differently and how I wouldn't let her in. I spoke about how I knew nothing about Feliciano despite having lived with him all his life.

It was…refreshing. I felt safe and secure during the entire conversation, and for the first time in a long time, my head was…clear. Actually, truly clear. I had my dad by my side. I had my family close by. And I had myself, who I knew better now that I had gone through all the trials and tribulations that the divorce brought upon me.

That night, I slept soundly.

* * *

So yeah, that's the whole story. I wrote everything down, just like Feliciano said. I'll write a short ending to this.

Our family never became…perfect. It still had its flaws. But for the first time in a long time, we were…happy. Actually, truly happy. I found myself with the urge to smile again, and…let's just say I haven't smiled in a long while.

Dad did check into a support group and got a lot of help dealing with his drinking problem. He visits all the time now and has a job at this insurance company, but it's only temporary. He's currently taking classes to get his license to become an EMT for the fire department. The station, after finding out that he got himself clean, promised that once he was qualified, they'd let him back in. It made him really happy.

My mom gave birth to a healthy baby girl, who they've decided to name Andrea, the name of the little girl who died in that fire. She was really cute.

I became slightly closer to Roderich. I didn't mind him as my stepdad anymore. He was an ok guy…still kind of annoying though.

Feliciano was happy that I was happy. It's like he could sense that everything was getting better. I finally met his best friend Ludwig…I don't like the look in that kid's eye, so I'll be watching out for my little brother from now on.

As for me, I think I'm doing pretty ok. High school is a bummer, but my grades have improved and everyone's really proud of me.

Everyone…everyone really cares about me. I can feel it. I know it.

And I care about them.

Signed,

Lovino Vargas

* * *

**A/N:** I really want to thank you guys once again. You're all super amazing and you've made me a very happy author :) I want to apologize for not giving a warning that this chapter would be the last, but by the time it crossed my mind, I had already posted the chapter. This fic was a challenge for me because I was really out of my norm writing these characters, as well as first person POV, but you guys have received it so well and I really want to thank you for that :)

Until next time,

~Smrtypantz


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